


when you put me back together, mind the broken glass

by gohoubi



Series: soft melaudrey fics [3]
Category: Snowpiercer (TV 2020)
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Heavy Angst, Insecurity, Potentially OOC, Pre-Canon, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:41:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26536006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gohoubi/pseuds/gohoubi
Summary: Audrey breaks under the pressure of it all.
Relationships: Miss Audrey/Melanie Cavill
Series: soft melaudrey fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128500
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	when you put me back together, mind the broken glass

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this late at night when I really should have been sleeping. So. I guess. There's that?
> 
> TW for body negativity.

Audrey felt it coming on near the end of her last song.

The song playing was ‘Someone to Watch Over Me’ by Ella Fitzgerald. A long-time train favourite, she’d settled into the rhythm, the audience swaying along to the sultry jazz tune. Purplish-blue light suffused the Nightcar, rendering the audience almost invisible.

 _Nikki liked this song._ Nikki couldn’t sing any song in tune, but Audrey had to admit her voice had a certain sweetness about it. On quiet days in the Nightcar, Audrey could sometimes hear Nikki’s voice, as if from a ghost. Nikki was still alive - at least, she should be still alive - but she could be dead for all Audrey knew. Stuck in the drawers, for a crime she most certainly didn’t commit. 

_And she’s gone, just like that, and everyone seems to have moved on. Except me._ Audrey knew rationally this wasn’t true, but she had no energy to logic it out with herself. Her feeling of loss increased with every verse of the song, until it was all she could think about. _She should be here!_ Audrey had long since stopped scanning the audience for the younger girl, but this time she did. Nobody matched the ginger haired freckled Nikki. Why did Audrey bother? The suffocating pressure on her chest increased, and Audrey knew she was going to lose it very soon. _Home. Have to go home._

The song ended, the audience applauding politely. The lights slowly came up, bathing the room in a golden light. The audience didn’t stick around - they drifted slowly off to their respective classes, in pairs, in groups, or alone. Soon, everyone was gone, except for Zarah and Clay at the bar. Audrey breathed a sigh of relief that she didn’t have to keep it together anymore. She made her way to her room, taking off the bejewelled wristbands as she went. The other Nightcar people knew not to bother her after a day of shows. Audrey’d made that rule only half-seriously, but now she was glad they adhered to it. More than anything, she wanted to be alone. As soon as she got inside, Audrey removed all the flashy things she wore during the shows, as if shedding a snake skin. _Nikki should be here._ For two years she’d been gone, and her cracked, tuneless voice had yet to grace the Nightcar again. They used to spend every night after the shows together. Talking, about themselves, about their lives before the train, about songs Nikki wanted Audrey to sing.

The door clicked open, a bar of yellow light expanding, then contracting to nothing as the door shut again. “I should come to your performances more often.”

 _Melanie!_ Audrey started in spite of herself, whipped around. “It’s you,” she said, forcing herself to keep her voice straight.

Melanie stood in the doorway, wearing not her hospitality uniform but a plain black hoodie and jeans. The dark clothing and Melanie’s jet black hair made her green eyes stand out. “Of course. Who else would it be?” 

On a normal day Melanie’s presence would be welcome, but Audrey wanted nothing more than to shut the other woman out. _Let her in! You should be able to do that after a year._ Audrey wished Melanie would just leave so that she could let her emotions out in private. If she asked for privacy, however, Melanie would want to know why. Audrey cringed at the idea of talking about it.

 _She’s cried in front of you many times. Surely you can do the same in front of her._ Except Audrey was the bastion of stoicism and hope on a train where there really wasn’t any to be had. If she crumbled in front of Melanie, the fallout might be disastrous. She knew everything about Melanie, all her traumas, all her neuroses. Audrey could read her memories of Melanie like a book. Try as she might, she couldn’t open herself up the same way.

“Glad you enjoyed it. Help me?” Audrey asked, barely able to get the words out. She hoped the low light would be able to conceal her growing distress, but it probably wouldn’t. The emotion, the urge kept rising up like a wave about to crest. Until it crashed down and broke on the rocks. Melanie undid the zip on Audrey’s dress, until she could wriggle out of it. Leaving a bright red puddle of fabric on the floor. Audrey flushed with shame at her ratty bra and underwear, having not gotten new ones for seven years. _Disgusting._ She tried to pull in a stuttering breath, hoping beyond hope that Melanie didn’t hear it. Luckily for her, the hospitality woman was looking out the window, her mind elsewhere. Audrey folded up the dress, stuffing it in the crate.

 _I wish she’d just leave me alone. Go away, let me just cry in peace…_ Audrey caught sight of herself in the mirror, at her body which had gotten softer with age. The dresses and outlandish clothes would hide it, but for how long? Even in the twilight Audrey could see she looked wrecked. _Keep pretending it’s because of the shows. Go ahead, keep distracting yourself, but you know that’s not true. Face it, Audrey! You’re old, way past your prime, and you’re pathetic for pretending otherwise. Melanie will notice, and she’ll leave._

Audrey couldn’t help shrinking before her own vitriolic thoughts. Eyes prickling, she rubbed her chest, trying to calm her racing heart. Melanie was right there. Audrey could ask for help, say how she was feeling. Her distress would only get worse if she tried to hide it. Audrey knew that the other woman would gladly be there for her, comfort her until the emotions passed. Wasn’t that what Audrey had been doing for Melanie this entire time?

 _She won’t. She’ll leave, because you’re_ weak. Audrey’s inner voice drew out that last word. Trying to breathe again, she found it even more difficult than before. Audrey had to cry, there wasn’t any way around that. Trapped between Melanie’s presence and her rising emotions. _Keep it together! Keep it together._ Audrey gripped the edge of the crate, hard enough that it creaked under the pressure.

“You okay?” asked Melanie, neutrally.

“I’m fine,” Audrey said noncommittally, without looking at her. _Why can’t you be honest with her? Oh, right, because if you do, she’ll leave. Keep up the pretence as much as you want, Audrey. You’re just prolonging the inevitable._ “Just tired.” She turned away from the mirror, from her body which had paled like expired milk and patterned itself with stretch marks. She felt revulsion for herself, for her ugliness, for her body that was crumbling away. Audrey quickly dressed in her old clothes, so she didn’t have to look. Despite that, the image of herself was still imprinted in her mind. The damage was done. _You won’t be able to unsee it, and nobody else will either!_

Warring with the despair, another emotion rose up: rage. Before she knew it, Audrey had taken the closest thing at hand - a hairbrush - and thrown it full strength at the mirror. The effect was instant: the mirror shattered onto the floor. Melanie yelped, looked from the broken glass to the floor where the hairbrush was, then to Audrey.

There was no point coming up with an explanation. Melanie was already putting two and two together. “Audrey?…What’s going on?” Her face, suspicious yet so concerned! “Did you just smash your mirror?”

The cold snake of despair leapt the final distance up her throat. Forcing itself free in a sob so large Audrey thought she might break in two. The tears came next, her eyes burning as they spilled over. Before they got too thick to see through, Audrey saw Melanie crossing the room, stepping over the broken glass.

Warm arms wrapped around Audrey, keeping her standing. “No,” she whined, trying to push Melanie away. _She can’t see this she can’t she can’t -_

“Stop fighting,” said Melanie gently. “Let me in. I won’t hurt you.”

Audrey hated herself for how much she desperately wanted this. How much she wanted to let go, safe in Melanie’s arms. _She can’t see this, she can’t see this, she can’t see this -_

“Just let it out. I’m not going anywhere.”

It was as if the crying had unlocked a Pandora’s box. Every terrible thought Audrey’d ever had about herself, unleashed. Smashing into her like waves. Imprinted on her vision. Snaking into her mind. Her deepest, most shameful insecurities, given voice. Everything she’d ever hated about herself, magnified by a thousand. Was Audrey finally losing it? Was this the day she was going to break under the weight of everything else?

 _Burnout,_ the tiny therapist part of her brain whispered. Audrey found it hard to disagree.

“Breathe,” Melanie said, her voice sounding as if it was coming from the bottom of the ocean. “Five seconds in, five seconds out.”

 _That’s my technique. I told her that,_ Audrey thought vaguely. She did her best to follow, tried to breathe, even though her throat felt like it was closing up. Melanie led Audrey to the couch, made her sit. Through her blurry vision, Audrey could see Melanie picking up the broken pieces of the mirror, wrapping them in her jacket. Once she was done, she took a seat on the tiny couch. Audrey curled up, laid down with her head in Melanie’s lap. For a while, Audrey stayed silent, trying to somewhat regain her composure. Now that she could think more clearly, she felt hot shame, her thoughts rallying again to give voice to it. _You’re a therapist and you fell for all that? Is that all it takes to send you into a tailspin?_

“I’m sorry,” she said, the first thing that came to mind. “I don’t know what’s going on,” she added, lying.

“You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to,” came Melanie’s voice from behind her. “But if you want to talk. You know. I’ll listen.”

 _I’m scared I’m so tired I want you but I don’t know how to say it I’m hate myself I’m so so scared…_ Audrey opened her mouth to say one of those things, or maybe all of them. Or none of them, because she found she had no voice to speak. _You’re pathetic. People are dead, the world is frozen, and all you can think about is whether she finds you attractive or not? You’re no better than a teenager._

“I can’t,” Audrey said, as she started to cry again. “I can’t, I can’t, I’m sorry - “

“Hey, hey, hey,” Melanie said soothingly, stroking Audrey's hair. “It’s alright, it’s alright. Just breathe. If you’re not ready, that’s okay.”

_You can’t even tell her the truth…after all Melanie revealed to you…after all the trust she placed in you. You’re deluding yourself, Audrey…_

The suffocating pressure returned, so quickly that it hurt. Audrey had to say something, anything to let Melanie know how distressed she was. She was going to implode otherwise. _The mirror._

“I broke the mirror on purpose,” Audrey whispered.

“Why?” Melanie’s voice was neutral, far from the judgement Audrey expected to hear.

“I could see myself…and…” Audrey took a breath. “I didn’t like it.” Understatement of the century, she knew, and Melanie probably knew it too. Pure dislike does not make someone smash a mirror. “I hated it. I hate myself, I hate how I look. I’m just waiting…” She had the sensation of standing on a precipice, at a decisive moment. “…waiting for you to notice, and then…” Audrey could not finish the sentence. If she did, that would have been speaking it into existence.

“Are you worried that I’ll leave?”

Audrey was both relieved and deeply angry at Melanie for saying it. _She knows!_ “I wanted to say it earlier. When you came. But I couldn’t, because I didn’t want you to think I was…“ She could barely get the words out. They belonged in the deep dark recesses of her mind, not spoken. “Weak. Pathetic. Just another woman who’s way past her - “ 

“Don’t say that,” Melanie said, at once forceful and desperate. “Don’t even say it, I never think that, I never did and I never will.”

“You don’t know that,” Audrey sobbed. “If you knew all the things I think about myself once I’m in here alone. If you knew what I really looked like.” All of a sudden the words were spilling out in a rush, too fast for her to keep back: “I do the shows and the experiences to distract myself, but it all comes back, eventually. Melanie, I hate myself, I hate how I look and I hate how I can’t even fucking keep it together for you for one night, and I’m terrified you’ll realise and leave me - “

“I’m not going to do that - “

“ - for someone else, but I love you so much, I don’t want you to leave, even though you deserve someone better than me, someone who’s not- who’s not ugly and dishonest and weak - “

“Stop,” Melanie said, her voice so powerful Audrey was stunned into silence. The ‘hospitality voice’, the one that could quieten an entire train car. Audrey waited, shivering, for the reprimand. Or the rejection, whichever came first. She felt like Pandora then, having opened the box and unable to stuff everything back in.

“Audrey, I’m not you, so I can’t say it well, but I never think those things about you, and I never will. You’re not your insecurity, you’re not any of that.” Melanie took a shaky breath herself. “You don’t have to keep it together for me, at all. I’m so sorry, baby, that I ever made you think you had to.” She pulled a blanket over Audrey, and her shivering abated a little. “Don’t pretend to be strong for me.”

“But I don’t…I don’t want to. You’ll find someone else…someone who doesn’t - ” _Doesn’t break down at the slightest provocation? Doesn’t go into a tailspin for the smallest insecurity?_

“I won’t find someone else, Audrey. I love you, you’re the only one for me. And I don’t care about any of that. Well, I do care, but I won’t ever leave you over it.” Melanie carded her fingers through Audrey’s hair again. “Don’t be strong on my account. You can struggle sometimes. I’m always here for you.”

“I’m a therapist. I shouldn’t be freaking out over this.”

“Well, I’m hospitality and I still freak out on First Class occasionally.”

“That’s not the same thing,” Audrey said. _Nice job, rejecting Melanie’s comfort. Seriously, why is she even staying with you?_

“No, it really isn’t. I’m sorry.” Melanie curled a strand of Audrey’s hair around her finger. “You don’t have to be good at it right away.”

“Will you stay with me tonight?”

“I thought that was a given already. Is it not?”

“Well, yeah,” Audrey sniffed, wiped her face with her sleeve. “But still. You’ll stay?” She cursed herself for the desperation in her cracking voice, and willed herself not to lose it again.

“Of course I’m staying. Where else would I go? There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was fun to write! Hmm. It turns out Melaudrey is only good for hurt/comfort when Mel is the one hurting...hope y'all enjoyed it anyway, kudos and comments are welcome :)


End file.
